Your Implement of Choice
One night back in grad school I woke up after hearing the smashing of glass. It didn’t have that sound of an accident. I was renting an apartment that was a third of a house and it seemed to be coming from some other part of the house. I grabbed a crowbar that I had inside for some reason and went out the door, and made my way cautiously around the side of the building.
So far I’d passed most of the house without seeing a broken window or hooligans wearing bandit masks, and then I rounded a corner and ran into the renter from next door, doing the same thing as me. We both verified we heard the noise but hadn’t seen anything, and then looked down at what we were holding. He also had a tool, but it was one of those little utility hammers that have a screwdriver inside and don’t weigh anything. I must have grinned because he immediately defended it- “this was all I could find!”
Really my crowbar wasn’t that great a thing to be carrying to mete out justice either (though it was way better than that silly hammer), it was short- it would put me too close to whoever was breaking into the house, and didn’t have a good feel for swinging, either.
Finally I found out it was my friend and housemate in his apartment, sleep-walking into the glass of a french door inside his section. Since then I tried to make more of an effort to have something better than a short crowbar around for those impromptu investigations.
Usually, I have an aluminum baseball bat, which definitely has a nice swing to it. I do own a gun (it was going to come up, I just know it), but I keep it locked away and since I never remember to buy rounds unless going target shooting, it wouldn’t do me a fat lot of good. Most people meddling around and thieving aren’t packing anyway, and what you want usually – I think- is something to chase them off with. After all, the noise usually turns out to be cats or weather, and we know that but still won’t sleep until we’re certain. And then take along some blunt instrument on the thin chance that if it actually is an interloper, we don’t want to show up empty-handed like a chump.
This all came up because I was carrying a fireplace poker back to its rightful spot after it managed to find its way into the backyard, and on the way I was thinking “this would be a pretty harsh thing to brandish.”
So what do you grab on those times you hear shenanigans afoot and do that late-night patrol of the property?
Posted June 3rd, 2012 in Random!
Comments:28
Comments
Comment from Jordie
Time: June 3, 2012, 6:35 am
I’m all for the butcher knife or a pair of scissors!! These objects are definitely old school and possibly a formula for failure but you can always throw them or stab someone in the eye!
Excuse me, I just remembered my door is unlocked and I’m not near a pair of scissors.
Comment from Parker
Time: June 3, 2012, 6:36 am
Scissors is pretty hardcore, Jordie. Dang.
At least “Bruiser” has a good name for home defense!
Comment from J. Torres
Time: June 3, 2012, 7:03 am
As I mentioned on the Twitter, we have two decorative samurai swords in the master bedroom. My Korean wife also studied kendo for a couple of years a couple of decades ago. I have an off-white belt in shotokan karate from college. There is an Asian fusion buffet of hurt awaiting burglars up in hur.
Comment from Parker
Time: June 3, 2012, 7:14 am
I like to think you both spring up wide awake, already holding the swords.
Comment from RafaelK
Time: June 3, 2012, 7:46 am
Same things I carry during the daylight.
Comment from Brent
Time: June 3, 2012, 7:47 am
I use my first baseball bat from childhood. It’s became the first line of defense when we bought our house. I also have two English Bulldogs that are really just for show. Worst they’ll do is lick your leg and maybe crop dust you. So yeah, please don’t rob me.
Comment from Parker
Time: June 3, 2012, 8:04 am
YOUR LETHAL FISTS you mean.
Comment from Parker
Time: June 3, 2012, 8:05 am
I do NOT wish to be cropdusted by Bulldogs, I surrender.
Comment from david brothers
Time: June 3, 2012, 8:15 am
Back home, I had access to a wide variety of heavy hitting things, depending on what we didn’t drag back to the barn. Shovels, hammers, bats… but now that I’m on my own and across the country, all I’ve got in my tiny loft apartment is the hope that I can roll out of bed and onto someone’s head fists a-punching before they realize I’ve got a loft.
If they come during the day, though, I’ve just got Martin and Malcolm, good ol’ left and righty.
Comment from Parker
Time: June 3, 2012, 8:21 am
If you really call your fists Martin and Malcolm, that’s my new favorite thing about you
Comment from david brothers
Time: June 3, 2012, 8:36 am
I’ve made that joke so often that it might as well be true at this point.
I also like “cookies and milk, because they’ll put you to sleep”
Comment from Eric
Time: June 3, 2012, 8:53 am
This is a tom drum holder from a drum set: http://ak.buy.com/PI/0/500/218362596.jpg
Comment from Costa K
Time: June 3, 2012, 9:18 am
I have a dog who’s a pretty good watchdog. The go-to “implement?” A bat by the bed I’ve had since high school.
Once in the early days of college-while-living-in-home, I had the day off and was the last to awaken on morning. First thing I’m confronted with? The front door’s wide-open, and I’m alone.
I stalked the house in my underwear and my wooden bat, from the upstairs bathroom to the basement, checking every room and cupboard and closet. Turns out the last person to leave hadn’t pulled the door closed all the way, letting it blow open. Since then I’ve used the bat a few times to prowl around late at night when I or whoever I live with hears something out in the yard/on the front stoop/downstairs, and it’s always good to me.
Comment from Parker
Time: June 3, 2012, 9:39 am
Somewhere a drummer keeps going for the tom to find nothing, but smiles, knowing the Newsom House is safe.
Comment from Parker
Time: June 3, 2012, 9:40 am
Bats are the popular choice! I think it’s because we all saw The Warriors years ago with that baseball gang.
Comment from J.Tabon
Time: June 3, 2012, 11:31 am
There are a pair of decorative blades around my wife got purely for shelf porn, but I’m more likely to grab the paddle I carved for her while we were dating. Got a decent amount of heft to it, and it swings pretty well. (It was a gag gift. I swear.)
Comment from tomg
Time: June 3, 2012, 1:43 pm
I have the bottom half of a pool cue and a hunting knife.
Comment from Parker
Time: June 3, 2012, 3:04 pm
Connected?
Comment from Parker
Time: June 3, 2012, 3:04 pm
I ‘believe’ you.
Comment from James
Time: June 3, 2012, 4:23 pm
My house is as small as my friend’s apartment in New York, so I’m starting to wonder why I don’t keep anything in my bedroom. I have a heavy flashlight, but if I got up we’d be on top of each other in no time. I should take Jordie’s advice and grab the pair of scissors from the other room and keep them in my room.
Comment from Leland Purvis
Time: June 3, 2012, 6:04 pm
I little league baseball bat. You don’t need tons of room to get a good, one-handed swing. A more serious conflict-resolution-device is a roman short-sword. A sword is better than a gun in that you don’t have to try and kill someone to keep then from coming at you.
Comment from Michael May
Time: June 4, 2012, 8:27 am
I’ve got a wooden Louisville Slugger for weird noises. If I actually heard someone moving around downstairs, I’d also grab one of a couple of fanboy knives I’ve got in the office: either the Rambo-style combat knife or the pirate dagger.
Comment from spencer
Time: June 4, 2012, 11:18 pm
wooden duck. It’s deceptively heavy and, when held at the neck, the tail makes for a nice, dangerous, pointy bit at the end
Comment from Parker
Time: June 5, 2012, 1:00 am
plus the humiliation factor!
Comment from Sandy Jarrell
Time: June 5, 2012, 2:07 pm
There’s an aluminum bat outside our front door that a prowler could bring in.
Comment from Parker
Time: June 5, 2012, 2:21 pm
“Ah, that was convenient, thanks homeowners”
Comment from Zailo
Time: June 5, 2012, 7:49 pm
I can’t even begin to answer this question. There are just too many things to cause bodily harm floating around our house.
Comment from Craig
Time: June 3, 2012, 6:33 am
My dog, Bruiser. [Just don't tell the prowlers he's a Bichon.]